It's almost 5 in the morning now. After my daily midnight tryst with the sound of boistrous laughter from the boozed up boozehounds that keep hanging around in my locality...I should have gone off to sleep like every other day but somehow today I just can't seem to even lie down without getting this unexplainable restlessness and heaviness in the brain ( which is far more wierd since i have a serious lack of it!). Even tried listening to all kinds of music from Maroon 5 to 'ahista' by Pankaj Udas to 'sutta' by Zeest to 'tere mere milan' from Abhimaan movie. Finally couldn't help but switch the computer back on to give my thoughts a new form...in the form of words.
There are times when we have everything that we need for a comfortable existence and yet there is a null...a void...that seems to linger somewhere in the background which you are unable to push away from sight. It simply refuses to go. It stays in the background and like a little nagging child( or even an adult!) keeps jumping infront of your other thoughts until you can take it no more. It is times like this that make me realise the true worth of a Sport! Yes a Sport! Since im not fond of the little black bottle like many others, this works as my little wonder drug which gives me an unprocessed, unseasoned mint feeling of acheivement that makes my worries evaporate into thin air in the form of tiny white clouds taking the shape of innumerable little angels...angels for sure!...since it takes you to a different world...one which I'd call paradise. Paradise it is for sure because I don't need noone there, just me and my solitude and it feels like I have achieved nirvana! Who would have thought achieving nirvana was this simple...So much for the uncountable years of prayer! ;)
I feel a change in me. A definite change. When i say that change is the only thing constant , I'm not stating some unknown scientific funda.Everyone is aware of it. There are times when we realise that we are changing and at other times its more of a slow and subtle change which makes it hard for us to acknowledge the fact that it has taken place..but it does.
This is precisely the 3rd time in my life when i can understand that I'm changing..and for the better.Isn't change always for the better? Maybe or maybe not. But thats a different discussion all together. So coming back to where i drifted from, what i feel different is that I have become more of a rebel...no not the kinds whose out there to abuse, give a damn about the world and ensure that the world knows about it in half decent clothing kinds!Im more of a decent rebel. One who wants her freedom and doesn't want numerous questions nagging her all the time. I seem to have become averse to the very sight of a question mark! Notice how many times i use an exclamation...even when there is a need of a question mark! lolz. All i need is to be a free bird who can fly away to whereever she wants. I'm not there to harm anyone. I can never do that. But let me be by myself. Make my own path, follow my dreams no matter how tacky or unachievable they may seem to anyone, do my own thing without fearing about the implications of it. Is that wrong? I don't want to even think if its wrong or not...all my life thats what i have been doing. Weighing everything before even taking a step...I guess I should have been born a libran.
Coming down to calling myself a rebel. I call myself one simply because I'm tired of trying to live according to the norms set by the so called "society". My life will be lived on my terms...Take it or leave it. Might lose couple of people i care about but I am willing to risk that. For the first time in my entire life, I'm not thinking. Those who love me will be with me no matter what anyways...
I'm driving my own life...enjoying the journey...not following any road map for christ sake!...taking the unknown feared path...the forbidden path ...atleast I will find the answers to everything... after all I have always been inquisitive!
